These fish. These fish — I’m starting to believe — are harder to take care of than real, live children. Uh, okay, maybe not. But, seriously! What is even going on in this fish tank? If this is totally new information to you, do yourself a favor and read the very first post we ever wrote on the exciting little venture of buying fish, that turned out to be not so easy. The fish saga continues.
I wanted a dog, but it was “unrealistic” so we decided to make a family of fishies. Innocent, right? WRONG. It was an absolute bloodbath. A sexy bloodbath at moments. Since some of the fish definitely got it on and made little Jon Snow fishes. Out of the 8 that we initially bought, 2 are (STILL!) alive. They are the OG fish in this apartment (they actually incredibly survived the trip over to my and Nick’s new place — I find that more impressive than the entirety of Castaway…) and they will always be my favorites.
Below, I will take you on a journey of the varying personalities of our current fish who have not yet perished in some unexplainable manner, but are still wreaking havoc on the fragile psyches of Nick and Jordan. Well, maybe I should just speak for myself here, but there have definitely been moments when I’ve stared helplessly into the tank and then caught Nick looking up at me concerned from whatever he was doing. If he was pained about the fish or about me, I will never truly know. I shall call that true love.
But on with it!
Lily & Sweet Potato
Lily is 1 out of the 2 fish that has survived for 6 entire months. This is essentially winning a Gold in the Rio Olympics. I think she has survived on love/lust/fear because the other fish that has survived with her is her “companion”, Sweet Potato. Sweet Potato…is a sexual deviant. He follows her around all day long, constantly looking to “get it on”. Sometimes she is interested, and follows him around, but most often she is swimming her giant butt away.
I have witnessed fish sex for the first time (and many times following) because of these two rascals. It is never not disturbing. But, hard to look away, you know? Lily is always pregnant. She is 3x Sweet Potato’s size. At this moment, she is literally about to give birth in the tank, and I have to mentally prepare myself because it is the saddest event. She gives birth, and she gets a tiny bit skinnier, and we see the babies (sometimes) and then they are gone because either the rest of the fish in the tank, or she, is eating them. #Psychopaths. Whatever else I say about them, they are an impressive power couple. Lily and Sweet Potato — they’re always together. They are the Nick and Jordan of this tank.
Billie Frank & Crocodile
Billie is the beautiful pink fish, who, as I’m sure you’ve already guessed, was named after Billie Frank, the fabulous character from Glitter as played by Mariah Carey at the height of her career. Because I wanted to think about that movie and Mariah Carey in that way on a more daily basis.
Crocodile was named Crocodile because she (we actually have no idea of the rest of the sexes other than Lily and Sweet Potato) just sort of looked wolf-like but in a water setting. Hence, crocodile. Crocodile and Billie don’t do much but look electrically bright and add nice vibes to the tank. They often stick close together as well.
Oh, how I love Ink Blot. He is my little writer inspo fish. He was named ink blot because of his adorable black stain. Ink Blot causes no issues. He is the easiest fish in this tank. He is the fish we yearn to have every time we take a trip to our neighborhood fish store. He is pretty friendless, though. As you can see, his name is not alongside another fish. But I think he’d rather swim solo than have Boo Radley’s situation, below.
Helga & Boo Radley
Where to begin with Helga and Boo? They are our biggest, and most beautiful, colorful fish. They also have the biggest beef. Nick thinks they are both men because they have so many territorial issues, but Helga just has to be a woman!! Boo is in his ship all. day. long. He only swims out to eat. And when he comes out to eat, Helga murderously chases him until he goes back into his boat. The photos below illustrate this phenomenon. When we first brought them home, I was very worried that Boo would just die in his ship, because he did not have enough brain cells to know when to come out to scavenge for food. He has gotten smarter. Helga is still angry as hell – but she’s too pretty to return, so the two of them will stay.
Hodor & Weirdo
Hodor. How could we not name this adorable chunky bottom feeder Hodor? The last bottom feeder we had, Snacks, died because we are pretty sure he ate our mini puffer, Dot. It was a sad day. Now we have Hodor, and no mini puffers for him to eat. Let’s be real: if we had to lose another Hodor, none of us would come out unscathed.
Weirdo, if he was a person, would be like Thin Man from Charlie’s Angels. WEIRD AF. Weirdo is a cleaning machine and scoots up and down the tank walls, eating every little piece of grime in his way. He sucks so hard with his cleaning mouth he literally flips over all of the little rocks. But the weirdest thing about Weirdo is that he blinks. Nick saw it first. I didn’t think it was possible. WHAT FISH BLINKS? None that we’ve had, that’s for sure. Just little press on googly eyes. The moment I saw him blink was very off. Shudders up and down the spine. He’s so creepy but also eliminates so much work for us. Nick is worried that once everything is clean in the tank, he will start sucking the life out of the other fish. Only time will tell.
At this moment I’d like to take the time to respect all of the fish we have loved and lost.
Shadow was one of the originals back in apartment 21E. She did not survive the move to the new place. She was alive, but paralyzed and swimming around very erratically. Nick decided to put her out of her misery, and, wait for it, chopped her head off and then flushed her in the toilet. I’M NOT KIDDING HERE. Terrible night. We think she was ready to go though because she had a little black shadow baby who lived for 2 weeks and then died. It was sad.
Gemini died out of absolutely nowhere. He is the most recent death. There is no reason for this. It’s just the way things go in this hell tank.
Millions of Beliebers
We bought these little neon mini guys that we named Beliebers. I think in total we probably bought 40 of these (in batches of like 5-10) after they kept dying. Nick would not give up on them. We are not sure how these were dying either, but we kept waking up to find them stuck to the filter. Nice way to wake up, right?
We think we may have a real solution to a lot of this craziness! We are buying a tank 2x the size! Yes! Bigger is always better! Nick bought it on Craigslist and had his poor parents in Long Island go pick it up at a random house. Apparently all went well, because now Nick’s parents are friends with the sellers. The tank is still sitting in his garage, and we are very excited about getting it in our place.
The fish tank has played a very big part in my and Nick’s relationship. ur mornings and evenings spent bent over our two couches, concernedly watching them swim is a staple in our house. Automatic couple time. Anytime something terrible happens, we are there for each other! Thoughts like: WTF is wrong with Crocodile? Is it too hot in there? Is the water too low? Is Weirdo still blinking and cleaning like a psychopath fish? These are all just questions that every couple should practice answering to prepare for real life problems.
Until next time, fish saga readers. Let’s hope there is no one to add to the In Memoriam list.